Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I was told to be good. This was a generic statement. For some things I asked what was good and what wasn’t, for others I decided to trust my judgment. Slowly I started giving importance to my value system and focused on being right – at gain or at loss – Right! This was important to me. I decided to choose people I wanted to be with. Not that I wanted to be with the most perfect human beings (gets boring doesn’t it) but I stuck (as much as I could) to my principles. And looking back there are a few instances of my life where I stuck to my principles during adversities, where perhaps many would have compromised on integrity, I didn’t, and I am proud of all those incidents. But was everything I think I did correct seen as correct by others? By my closest of friends? Not always. It bothered me some times, but I knew I am nice and I didn’t do any wrong. Gave me a good night’s sleep. And that’s all that mattered.
You too were asked to be nice. You too chose between right and wrong by your own judgment. You too built a value system for yourself that you will never compromise on because those are the core principles of your life you are governed by. You also won some and lost some, but you never compromised on what you thought was grey.
We crossed paths and we liked each other. Though both of us knew we were different in many things, we chose each other. I always dreamed of a partner who looked in the same direction as mine and understood my perspective. Somewhere down the way we found that there are clashes in our value systems. It disturbed me. And one disturbance lead to another. If you were the highest priority in my life, why was I not the highest in yours? I knew you loved me, but why was I not the number one. You never said I wasn’t but I never felt I was.
I lost you. And this time it does not feel right about losing though I am well within the boundaries of my core values. You are well within yours too. And fact remains we both were in love. One of us still is. I don’t know about you. After you left, I spoke to myself, at length, for days. What went wrong? It is difficult for me to say I was wrong I don’t think I was. But I stand sure today that you weren’t. I feel that things were never meant to work out. No fault of ours. No scarcity of love either. Destiny? Perhaps.
You will remain as adorable as you ever were.
A genius said (guess it was Shekhar Kapoor) -
I lost you not because you were you
I lost you because I was I.
Doesn’t apply completely, but makes a lot of sense to me today…
Sunday, February 1, 2009
I was having a lunch table conversation with a colleague of mine. This guy happens to be an afro-american. And somehow the conversation drifted to racism. Is there equality in the country now? Will things look up after Barak Obama’s moving into office? And here is what he had to say about this – the differences still prevail and the divide is still as big as ever. It is just that in professional environment people have no choice but to do business and hence you may not feel it but some of their judgments or there comments when they think you can not hear are brutal. And you can not blame them every time. It has a lot to do with the image we have created for ourselves. In the movies, television, everywhere, we are the bad people, and the truth most of the times is some of us really are. I am saying I am one of them only because of the geography we come from but nothing more. We are supposed to be impulsive and loud. You will see women clutching there wallets tighter on spotting an afro-american in the vicinity. In the parking lot when I get out of my car I have seen women in the next car sometimes being quick to lock their doors. It feels insulting but I understand their reasons. There is poverty in this group. It may not be as bad as homeless children on the road, but still the poverty is high. And poverty leads to crime. It lessens your personal values and sometimes degrades your thoughts because you perhaps tend to think nothing can go worse. I am one of those who go out of their way to make an extra effort to prove I am nice, thinking I might turn a stone. I might help change the general perception. I might help afro-american’s getting treated equally. In a competition when there are so many other things to concentrate on, this only adds to pressure because I know this is a negative which will go against me. And now I am concerned about my daughters. Because I have one negative, and so have you. And my daughters have two negatives. They aren’t white and they are girls. I try to teach them good values each day. My elder is in fifth grade and she has started understanding a couple of things that includes the importance of academics and why it is more important for her to come first than others in the same class. But my younger one is just five. And this morning was the first time she noticed something. There was a function in her school and dads were invited too. When we got off the car we saw a mad rush of people. The entire school was out in the ground with their dads. And that’s when my little one suddenly stopped walking and said, “dad wait a minute! Why is it that all these people have white faces, (pause) and some of them have like beige faces (perhaps tanned ones) and only we have brown faces.” I was thrown off guard. I knew this would come someday but had not anticipated it to be this early. There was no time to explain because we were already in the school. So I told her that sweetie I will tell you all about it when I come home in the evening, but you need to promise me you will not put this to anyone else before we talk. We will talk in the evening, is that ok? Ok she said and believe me this is going to be one history lesson today at home. I don’t know how far to go today as we will be discussing this for the first time, but guess its time now to know we are lesser mortals.
Reminds me of a poem I read a couple of years back:
When I born, I black.